Second Chances and The Worst Parts

If you wanted a second chance, I would give it to you.

It’s not that I am waiting for you or hoping that you’ll come back. If you wanted to try again, you would have already said something to me. With each passing day and each mile that separates us, I am able to accept the reality that you never loved me and that you’re never coming back. I am ok with that, or I have learned to be ok with that. Those few months I spent with you were the best I have ever had, but I learned that you wanted a relationship and I wanted love. You wanted someone to hold, I wanted someone to share my mind with. You wanted to post cute pictures, I wanted to live in the moments and experience all the ups and downs. You wanted the easy way, I wanted the the easy stuff and all the in between. It’s been three months and eleven days since you said “I don’t love you like I thought I did.” It’s been about two weeks since I’ve learned how to smile again. It’s been about a month since I’ve stopped checking my phone every moment for your name. It’s been a long three months and eleven days, but here I am surviving without you.

I am quite proud of myself actually. Last time I went through a break up it took me about a year to get my shit together (granted 99% was because I was emotionally abused and those scars do not go away). I’m still not comfortable with being around couples, but I am slowly learning not to be judgmental about them. Those who have a wonderful and strong relationship are lucky, but that doesn’t mean that I won’t be able to have that one day. I’ve come a long way and I still have a ways to go, but at least the journey to self recovery isn’t as difficult as it was last time. Granted, I still can’t listen to certain songs but in time I know all will be back to normal. I have come so far.

Yet, when I think about it, if you did come back and looked me in the eye and said “I want to try again,” I would give it to you in a heart beat.

That’s the worst part about me. I might cut someone out of my life, but I know deep down that I would give him another chance if he asked for it. There’s a possibility that I am just thirsty for love or maybe it’s that I am naive and too soft.

No, I don’t think it’s any of those. I’ve grown up with the idea that everyone deserves a second, third, fourth chance. Everyone is human and they make mistakes, so why should they be denied the chance to prove themselves? That’s the worst part about me: I give people too many chances.

While giving them chances, I also give up my chances.

It’s like credit. If I let them take the credit for what I have done, they’ll be praised and their reputation will flourish. I would be happy for them, but that leaves me in the shadows. It leaves me with no reputation and no chances for promotion.

When I give people chances, I somehow end up with nothing in the end, but I don’t mind it. I don’t mind giving people another piece of my heart, but that is the worst part about me: I don’t have any more pieces to give, but I still give.

I’ve been broken way too many times because of this, but each time I break I somehow love the next person even harder, which makes it even harder for me when they leave and they all do leave. Those who are broken love twice as hard because they know what it feels like to not be loved. It’s not fun and it quite frankly sucks, but that’s the worst part about me: I continue to love even when I don’t have the energy or mental strength to do anything.

I don’t open up to many people, but those who have seen me open up understand that I am a huge marshmallow underneath everything. I melt at the sight of puppies and I giggle at things that make school girls giggle. I would go out of my way to make sure my friends are safe, happy, content, full, and warm. I am fiercely loyal and I don’t judge you based on your preferences or past. My outside is cold and hard, but my insides are warm teddy bear hugs.

You might have ripped my heart to shreds and beat it with a stick while it was bleeding on the ground, but in all honesty I would give you and anyone else a second chance. I would give you the biggest death glare, but I would eventually crack and say “ok, one more chance.” Even if you fuck that up, I would still give you a chance.

So if I give out chances, why can’t I ever get another chance? Why does everyone else get a second chance and I’m left questioning if I was ever worth a single chance in the beginning?

2017, You Have Been Nothing But Bad to Me

I didn’t get into JET. Not even offered to be placed on the waiting list

I didn’t get accepted into the US-Japan internships I applied for

I got rejected for almost all the jobs/internships I have applied for

I‘ve worked for more than nine years learning a second language, studying abroad for a semester, working my ass off to be part of the Japanese honors society at the post-second educational level, just to be told that I am not good enough. I have a GPA of 3.4 (not the greatest, but still pretty good), I qualified for honors in Japanese, I tutor international students in English, and America students in Japanese. I studied Japanese history, memorized line after line of Japanese speeches, and I was told that I want not good enough to be place in the JET program, in any internships, or jobs (not only dealing with US-Japan, but other jobs as well).

I don’t know what more people want. I don’t know what more to do. I am honestly losing hope for myself.

I got dumped by the one guy who I thought I could have a future with (who promised me the future and more)

I don’t know what happened to one of my friendships

My college swim team thinks I would be better off not existing (in fact I honestly believe that they would not really care if I did end up in a ditch somewhere)

People are constantly leaving

I don’t know what is worse: working hard and not getting what I know I deserve or people constantly leaving you. It’s exhausting to deal with not only employers thinking you’re not worth a chance, but also having people who you confide in leave you because you’re not worth a damn to them. I have very few friends and that is because I pick my friends carefully. Most of the time, I choose people who are amazing, but sometimes I choose people who are as flaky as croissants. I know everyone does this, but having been dumped when it was our first big fight, then finding out that I was not even offered any position in JET (which all the people who knew me were surprisingly upset and utterly shocked by that decision), and having so many people turn their backs on you WHEN YOU LITERALLY DID NOTHING is really frustrating.

My car broke down four times before the dealership deemed it unfit to drive

I broke down in my roommate’s 2016 Honda Fit

I ran into my emotionally abusive ex

Just once I would like a day or month to go smoothly. I would really appreciate it if I could go about my day without worrying something might happen. I have tried to stay positive, but nothing seems to be working. I have done everything I could, but I am not good enough for others, I am not pretty enough, I am not fun enough, I am not enough. I know that, but that is why I try. I try so damn hard, but life seems to want to keep pushing me to my knees and leave me there.

It is May of 2017, this all happened over a course of 4 months (and some in 2016). When is life going to say, “I made you suffer enough, here’s a break.” To God, Buddha, whoever is watching over me, please, please, please let me just catch a break. You have not allowed me to feel ok since May 2016. Please, I am begging you to just let me see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is so much more that has happened, but I don’t even know if I would be able to fit it all into this one blog post. Why is life testing me? When will I be good enough to pass? When will I be able to prove myself? I can’t see the end of the tunnel.

Thank you, kind stranger

It’s hard to have a positive view after so many rejections, heartbreaks, and an influx of bad news. Life is hard and that’s why it’s a bitch because if it were easy it would be called a slut.

But sometimes, in the rare moments of still and calm, we get a sign that lets us know that everything is going to be ok.

Tonight, I got a sign and it was through a kind stranger with an even kinder dog.

My friend, Bella, and I were walking down to Third Street to get a drink and some food when we ran into a man and his dog. At first, we did not want to get in his way so we scooted to the other side of the sidewalk and attempted to go around him. As we were passing him I kept looking at his beautiful canine companion and he said, “please don’t be afraid of him, he’s a sweet heart.” I shyly told him that I loved dogs. He beamed up at me and said, “do you?! Well, is it ok if you pet him? He won’t bite, but he may nip. I’m trying to get him to learn not to nip.” It was the first time I got asked to pet a dog, so I was bushy tailed and starry eyed and I pet his dog like there was no tomorrow.

A dog to a college student is like a hug from an old friend.

As we were petting Simon, the dog, the man goes into a monologue about how Simon saved him. He tells us about how he and his ex found him and he refused to let him go to the pound, so he gave Simon a home. He went on about how he is trying to move and that he beat his landlord in court twice. Then he said something that almost made me tear up because I needed to hear exactly what he said to me.

“Life is hard, but it goes on. Life goes on, but eventually it gets better.”

With one last pet we parted ways, but his words left a heavy print on my heart and mind.

I’ve been having a rough start to 2017 and there are days where I feel like an utter failure or that I’m not good enough. The guy I thought I was going to end up with decided that I was a monster and a horrible person, so he broke up with me after promising me the future and so much more. I was rejected from the one program that I worked 8+ years for and everyone around me thought the people who rejected me were insane. Another person who claimed she was going to be there for me forever also walked out of my life or decided that I should just be pushed into a corner and paid attention to when she remembers that I exist. My general education credits are screwing me over and it’s only two weeks till graduation. And so much more.

I just can’t seem to catch a break.

However, please do not think that I am not thankful for all the opportunities I have had. That is the one thing that is keeping me motivated. I worked so hard to get where I am now, so there is no way I am done just yet. But somedays, I truly question whether I am pretty enough, smart enough, dedicated enough, attractive enough, skinny enough, or whether I am just enough in general. Those days come more often than nought. I often wonder what I am doing wrong and if I could get some sign.

I feel as if that man was my sign.

He and I may not share the same walk of life, but his words of encouragement and his enthusiasm for his dog and for his own life really touched my heart. There are days where I could just sit down and give up. There are days where I can scream into the abyss or at people. There are days where I can drink myself into oblivion and murder my liver. There are so many of those days, but only the strong will overcome those and I want to be strong.

Each moment, each rejection, each heartbreak gives me the skills and experience to become a better, stronger me. I am not sure who I will be, but I know that through all of this I will become the person I was meant to be and I will continue to become the person I want to be.

That kind man may not think much of our conversation, but to me it was a sign. Life might be hard right now and the pain, heartache, and so on will continue, but one day in the future I everything will be ok. I wanted to break down in front of him and thank him for the encouragement and kindness (and also for letting me get kisses from his doggie), but I just stood there with a smile and said “thank you.”

Rocky Balboa was Right

Being heartbroken sucks.

There’s no way to sugar coat it. It’s not broken poetry inside of your soul. It’s not a piece of art you create from your emotions. It’s not beautiful, period.

It’s ugly, emotionally taxing, frustrating, painful, and everything else wrapped up in a neat bow of feeling worthless.

The ugliest thoughts come out and you can’t help but fall into the trap of believing no one will love you again. You use so much of your energy trying to answer answerless questions and the frustration keeps making a waterfall of tears fall from your eyes. It’s painful to feel like the world is falling apart one second at a time and you can’t do anything about it. It’s painful to watch the one person who, even if the world turned its back on you, would still love you, walk away. It takes your breath away and leaves you feeling like you’re suffocating for an eternity. You’re trying your best to keep breathing, but in all honesty you would rather be unconscious because then you wouldn’t have to feel this pain and worthlessness.

However, during these past few months of being heartbroken from the one guy who I legitimately thought I would have a future with, I have learned so much.

I find myself often wishing things were different. I think to myself, “I wonder what he would think if I told him this joke?” Or, “if we were still together would I be happier than I am now? Probably.” But the reality of things is that no matter how much I hope and wish nothing will change.

And that is ok.

Sometimes you have to accept things for what they are or aren’t. Life puts you into situations that challenge you, but it is your choice to either deal with it or run from it. Heartbreak opens your eyes to the reality that not all wonderful things last and that if it was meant to last, you wouldn’t be dealing with heartbreak. It’s not about fate or believing in a higher power – it’s about accepting the reality of things and knowing that the only thing you can do is react. Take your time to mourn or learn how to breathe again, but remember to accept what is or isn’t.

Life doesn’t care who you are, what you look like, what language you speak, or how big your genitals are. It’s going to beat you down and serve you with some shitty service, but the trick is to keep getting back up.

No matter how many guys tell me that I’m not worth loving anymore and that I’m too difficult to love, no matter how many job rejections I receive, no matter how many friends walk in and right out of my life, and no matter who thinks I am stupid or not intelligent enough (aka my international relations professor) I will always keep trying. It’s true, I might be really difficult to love and my exes might be right that I am a horrible person, but I have friends and family who still love me and people who still support me. I might have been rejected from a position that I literally worked eight years for, but now I am choosing a different path and I plan to show them how much they missed out on a hard worker like me. Those who choose to walk out of my life or we drifted apart because of certain reasons, just know that I still remember you. I may not have the best opinion of you, but I can’t deny that at one point we were amazing friends and for that I thank you. I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I know that I am one of the most dedicated and hard working people you will ever meet, so even if you don’t see that I know I will be fine.

You can be the best you and people will still judge you for it. I know that I can be temperamental and hard-headed, but I can honestly say that if I care about you deeply I am one of the most loyal and caring people you will ever meet.

It’s hard for me to go through breakups because I trust that the other person will love me as much as I love him. I trust that he will try as hard as I do and love as openly as me. I am the one who is usually walked away from, which I am not sure if that is a bad or good thing, but it hurts me more than the normal person. I love with no boundaries, so that means I will show you every emotion in the book and I trust that you’ll accept me for that.

However, people are not like that.

You can’t expect people to love you so openly because not everyone will wear their heart on their sleeve. Not everyone has that capability. Not everyone is able to realize that if I share my unfiltered emotions with you, I trust you 110%. You can’t make people love you the way you want them to. They have to realize that on their own and if they can’t, just remember that somethings are meant to be. You shouldn’t have to tell someone how you should or want to be loved. You shouldn’t feel judged about your emotions or feelings. You shouldn’t have to be invisible to be loved. You shouldn’t feel like a monster for someone else’s inability to see your true character.

Life is a cold-hearted asshole, but how you choose to handle that asshole is your choice. Personally, I have decided to stick my middle finger to it/him (my ex) and say, “thank you, I dedicate this accomplishment to you.”

You’ll Miss Me Someday by Tyler Adair

I never knew what they meant,
when they said they’re free falling while standing still.
I was confused when they said they feel drunk when they’re sober,
I was without a clue.
They claimed the world had froze for a second,
but I know that’s impossible.

To loose your mind but still feel fine,
I didn’t know ’til I met you. ‘
Cause you crushed me,
kept me,
held so gently.
And of course it’s gonna hurt
when you take it away.

It’s cool,
I’m fine,
I’ll be alright.
But I promise you one thing, you’ll miss me someday.

Between you and me,
we were perfect,
we were breathless,
we seemed worth it.

Between you and me,
I was happy,
you were contagious,
catch you laughing.

And you crushed me,
kept me,
held so gently.
And of course it’s gonna hurt
when you take it away.

It’s cool,
I’m fine,
I’ll be alright.
But I promise you one thing, oh baby, you’ll miss me someday.

Sometimes I like to pretend
that you’re holding me in your arms again.
Thinking about the good times we’ve been through,
I’ll be the first to say I miss you.
But here’s the thing I say in all honesty,
I don’t want leaving me to be anywhere near easy.

But you crushed me,
kept me,
held so gently.
And of course it’s gonna hurt
when you take it away.

It’s cool,
I’m fine,
I’ll be alright.
But I promise you one thing,
oh baby you’ll miss me someday.

You’ll miss me someday.
Crushed me,
Kept me,
Held so gently.
It’s cool, I’m fine, I’ll be alright.

Yeah I’ll be alright. (x)

On the Days I Feel the Loneliest

On the days I feel the loneliest my mind often wanders to the thought of you. In a way, it’s my way of missing you but knowing that I can’t do anything about it. And in those moments I often wonder if you think about me as well or if you have completely forgotten me.

The thought of being forgotten quite honestly terrifies me.

I can take being left and I can take being replaced, but being forgotten by someone I can’t forget is something that I don’t dare to fathom. So I am trying to forget about you before you forget me.

I am trying to forget about your laughter and the way your name would pop up on my phone when I needed it the most. I am trying to forget the random phone calls and your pokey hair. I am trying to forget about how much you loved Star Wars and I would always say Star Trek is better. I am trying to forget about the promises you made and the nights we embraced. I am trying to forget it all.

Some days I succeed, but there are those days where I fail to try at all.

I wonder if you have thought of me on days where you are lonely. I wonder if certain sounds or smells conjure up the image of me in your head. I wonder if you wonder if I wonder about you.

Or maybe you just don’t.

Maybe at this point you think that I was truly a mistake. That I was just a moment of uncertainty on your behalf. Maybe to you I was just a shiny new toy that you realized was too complicated to play with. Maybe I wasn’t any of that and I turned out to be nothing special to you.

I’ve been going through some tough times and I am already used to being on my own, but some days it’s hard to be alone. Some days, I want to tell you about my failures and my problems. However, I don’t imagine the things you could say to me because that would leave me with nothing but pain. Like yesterday, I wanted to tell someone about my disappointing performance in Japanese and the first person that popped into my head was you. The bitter smile that appeared on my face represented the pain that seized my heart.

It’s not like I left you. You left me. You chose to walk out the door and I know that you’re never coming back, but it hurts. I am allowed to hurt, but I am not allowed to want you back because to you I am the worst person in the world. To you, I am nothing but a monster who loses her temper and everything bad in the world.

But I am not.

I don’t know why you decided to leave me after that one incident, which I haven’t even touched after that day. But you did and I don’t dwell on it. I don’t ask why and I don’t try to talk to you.

It’s just that some days you pop into my head like the ghost of Christmas past. Some days I am left replaying the heart break of hearing you call me a mistake and wishing me luck in the future. I have an irrational fear of people leaving me. I have reached a point where I think that every person I will ever get to know will one day leave me, so I feel even more lonely and like something is wrong with me.

I guess that was the difference between you and me – I wanted love, you wanted a relationship.

Some days I wish you would come back, but I have a wild imagination. You would never do that because to you I am the worst monster in the world.

Hopefully, the days where I no longer feel lonely will come soon and the thought of you will forever be erased from my thoughts.

You Wrote an Article About the Negatives of Being Single. Here is My Argument for Why You Are Wrong and Always Will Be.

I yelled and screamed and my temper got the best of me, but I have never lost myself like that with anyone before. I told you, you had no right to tell me what to do because you don’t know exactly what happened to me and my past and how dare you just listen to my friends when you don’t know the full story. I sat there and yelled at you while tears streamed down both our faces. Our computer screens captured our pained expressions as your eyes told me you were sorry and I glared at you with all I had. That is a night I will never forget.

I retract that statement.

I will never forget the night you broke my heart after all the promises of moving in together and seeing me walk down the aisle in a white dress. After you said “I love you,” and you were “ready” to sleep together after only two months of dating, not to mention I was your first. I will never forget how you promised all these things, but I asked you about all of this and the Valentines box you sent me and I’ll never forget your reply. You said “those were all mistakes and I sent you that box on Saturday, but I realized I didn’t love you on Sunday.”

Hold up.

Who the hell does that? You send out a Valentines box filled with all these things that you know would make me melt and you say you wish you didn’t, but oops it got delivered. Who says that one day you love someone and the next day you turn around and say “I don’t love you.” I may have gave you the cold shoulder for a week, but it was only four days since we had that huge fight when Sunday rolled around. So in all, it took you four days to say “I quit,” it took you four days to realize that five months together (even though it was super short) and hundreds of promises we made weren’t worth it to you? After all of the work and distance and trying to work towards future we both wanted, you decided that after our first huge fight that I wasn’t worth it? That I “scared” you and that you “didn’t like it when [I] yelled” because it makes you feel uncomfortable?

That’s so pitiful, it’s almost funny.

I could understand if we were just not getting along for weeks and there was nothing coming out of this relationship, but you walked away from me after four days of getting the cold shoulder. I could understand that if I abused you and made you feel like shit, but I was upset and there’s no excuse for what I said but everyone gets upset and they say things they don’t mean. That doesn’t mean they aren’t in the wrong, but I did reflect on it and when you broke up with me I was going to apologize to you. Apologize for being such a crappy girlfriend (now ex) and that you didn’t deserve all that I did or said to you. I was going to say that I appreciate your patience and I promise not to do those things to you again. I can’t promise that I won’t get upset again, but I promise to learn from this incident and not be such an ass.

But you didn’t want to see it that way.

I understand that I hurt your feelings and I really said some mean things and for that I shouldn’t be forgiven, but if you make promises and you were the one who said all those wonderful nothings then you should have the decency to try. I explained to you about my past and that showed how much I could trust you to be my partner, but you turned that on me and said that I did what I did, intentionally or unintentionally. That is true, but that is not all I am.

I am not the horrible person you tagged me as. I am not the wicked witch you painted me to be. I am not the girl who wanted to hurt you or pretend you did not exist. I am not the girl who is soft spoken or hides behind her parents’ back, like you. I am not a person who sits still and pretends all is fine, when it’s not. I am passionate about topics and I always wear my heart on my sleeve. But you only saw my bad side. You chose to hear about my past and ignore it. You said you wanted to be a counselor for college students, but I am just one of many of the people who use counselors so I can tell you from experience that I am not the worst of them. There are people who will do or say more horrible things, but to you I was the devil.

If you wrote an article on being single, I am going to write about how it’s not about being single but being ok with yourself. Being single isn’t just about not having a partner or searching for the one, it’s about finding yourself and accepting yourself for who you are. It’s looking at all your bad traits and accepting that you’re not perfect. It’s hanging out with friends and building new friendships. It’s learning to be alone, but not lonely. It’s accepting that you’re not always going to be the best person for the job, but you’re going to do your best. It’s failing by yourself and getting back up by yourself. It’s knowing you have hundreds of people supporting you, so you are loved and you are cared for. Being single isn’t something you should write about, it’s something you should feel. I can scream to the world about how you dumped me because you were too scared to even try anymore and you didn’t have the balls to forgive me. I could cry and message you every so often or keep hoping you’d come back to me, even though I know you wouldn’t.

Or I could say, “screw you, I was worth it and I don’t need to prove it to you anymore.”

So here is my “screw you,” to you and I honestly don’t care if you find this or if someone tells you I wrote this or what.

Thank you, for showing me what love isn’t. Thank you for teaching me to be single for a while and that I am too busy to try to keep someone who doesn’t want to try by my side. Thank you for teaching me that people are weaker than others and that some just can’t handle reality. Thank you for dumping me when I knew I wasn’t being lovable because now I know I deserve someone who will choose to love me through the hardships and the rain storms. Thank you for calling me a mistake because that is your opinion, but someone out there is going to think differently. However, I am not going to go out and wish for a relationship, like how you were trying your hardest to find one. That’s not how love goes. You can’t keep looking for a relationship because once you do, what’s next? What about the hard work and the idea of actually keeping the relationship? You have the gushy and cute and easy moments, but what happens when shit hits the fan and you’re both wanting to strangle each other? You want to be in a relationship, but how do you know if you’re ready? How do you know that this feeling of wanting to be in a relationship is just a way for you not to feel lonely? That’s not fair for the other person (aka me). I know what you did to me, you cut me off. So thank you for that. Thank you for freeing me from a little boy who didn’t have the balls to fight it out with me and decided to pin me as a horrible monster after one fight.

Thank you for not being in my life anymore and you are no longer welcomed in any aspect of my life.

You said you wanted to stay friends, but I don’t even choose friends like you. I don’t choose friends who will run off and abandon me after just one time. I choose friends, like Casie, based on their loyalty and their intentions. You just wanted a relationship, but you didn’t want the work that came with it. That, little boy, is not how the world works and it is not how relationships work. If you want an easy relationship like that, I hope you find it. However, nothing worth it is easy and nothing easy is worth it.

So yes, I miss you because I miss having someone by my side 24/7 and who I think would back me up no matter what. However, I don’t love you anymore. How can I love someone who could never love me in the first place?

I guess 500 Days of Summer really is my life and I am Summer.

Image result for 500 days of summer tumblr gif

Love (v) – An Action

I think my generation has lost the true definition of “love.” Love, for many, is the idea of having someone by your side that makes you feel whole or somehow lines the stars and planets in the sky. That’s a fantastical way to understand love – an idea. However, we forget the most basic idea of it, the very core detail that should be never be forgotten. Love is not an idea or a noun, it’s a verb.

I’ve been in a two relationships that obviously have not worked out, but I am not bitter about them. I was for a time because I tried so hard to make it work and they walked away, but looking back I realized that they forgot the most important aspect of love. Love is not only about compromise or forgiving. Love is not only about finding that one person who will make you happy your entire life. Love isn’t black and white. Love is hard. Love is simple, but hard and many people my age forget that. We learn to love from our environment, so watching our parents fight or hug really impacts us when we are younger. However, the entertainment industry, along with many other factors, has really played a role in the way my generation approaches love.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a huge fan of romance movies, such as Disney movies. In fact, I was a Disney princess for multiple Halloween’s (even in my twenties) and my mother would love to show you my Snow White costume pictures. I would gladly sit with you and have a marathon of Disney princess movies or cliché rom-coms, but I’ve come to realize that as I sit through these marathons with a bottle of something (now alcohol) in one hand and a pizza in the other, these tales of love and happy-ever-afters are not always true.

In the movie, the woman is somehow always cursed or stubborn or has sworn off guys or something. Then there’s the guy. He’s tall, handsome, works on cars, owns cars, is the football star, the dark-soul, and on and on. They fall in love, break up, girl swears off guys, guy realizes he does love her, and suddenly they’re on a beach with the sunset behind them. I understand that it is a movie, so they add all of that in for dramatic effect, but as a child I did not know that and I don’t think many others in my age range did either. However, it taught me that love will always come back, love is easy, love is something fun and always refreshing, love is fireworks and sunsets, love is amazing.

Love is not that.

But here’s the thing, it’s all of that plus more and way less.

From my failed relationships I learned how to let go and accept that people will use and abandon you, but I also learned what love should look like. It’s not black and white, but rather hues of blue, assortments of reds and pinks, bursts of yellows, splotches of greens and purples, moments of black and grays, lines of white and tans. There’s no single color to explain love because love is every color. There’s a color for every moment you spend with that one person who makes you see the world in color. There’s color in the wind (my reference to Pocahontas) and scents for every minute. That’s the beautiful part about love, you have all these expressions and emotions, but you just don’t know how to say them other than describing they with the most beautiful adjectives you can think of.

We want to believe love is easy like the movies because we live in a world where time is money and we don’t have the money to spend time looking for something that will slow us down. No, we want something that will help benefit us and in the long run produce the outcomes we want. Unfortunately, love is patient and slow. It’s something that builds and gathers momentum, so time is an important aspect for one to have when looking for love. My last relationship was with a very nice guy. He was kind-hearted and a total dork that I thought I loved with all my heart. We met through mutual friends and hit it off pretty well. He wanted to jump in to a relationship right away and I was a little scared since I came out of my last relationship with more than just a broken heart. He was just too good to be true, I thought, “how can I pass up an amazing guy like him?” So we started dating as soon as we could. We made so many promises that we believed would help us through the distance we were doing, but we didn’t realize that they were adding to the strain of the relationship. We would have small arguments because of the distance, but we would try to make ourselves feel better by reassuring each other about the future. One day I got so upset with him, my mom, and best friend, that I exploded at them and didn’t talk to them for a week. I realized my stupid mistake and went to apologize to him, but before I could explain myself he said “I don’t want this, I don’t like it when you get mad. You scared me and I don’t want to be with someone like that.” After our first huge fight, he left. I know what you’re thinking, “wow he’s an ass who is pathetic” (or that might just be me), but I realized that we made all these promises (which he called mistakes) but nothing to show for it.

We started our relationship in distance and ended it in distance, but can we really call that a relationship? Can we really claim that we loved each other unconditionally, when in reality he had set up multiple conditions for me in his head? No. We tried, but love is more than trying, it’s doing. Love is doing what you need to do if you really love that person. It’s doing what you don’t want to do, but knowing that the other person will be happy or that it’ll benefit the relationship. It’s talking about your frustrations and irritations, but showing the other person you understand and you respect him/her. It’s more than the action of sending her flowers or him a box filled with his favorite treats. It’s more than making up when you both fight.

Love is working towards a future you both agree on and getting there together. It’s promising things and doing other actions to make those promises come true. It’s forgiving, but also understanding their attitudes or frustrations. I was sitting in my political science theory class and we are learning about Hanna Arendt, who was a German political theorist during WWII. She said “forgiving is a promise, not a feeling. When you forgive other people, you are making a promise not to use their past sin against them.” There will be certain topics that everyone is sensitive towards, so understanding their reasoning about why they are upset or furious really helps soothe the problem. However, the person with the past is trying to forgive him/herself, so you have to promise not to use his/her past against her. That’s not fair towards your significant other or towards your relationship.

Loving someone is not the easiest thing in the world, but if you are sure and know that this is “love” you will do all you can to make it come true. Some people will disagree with me and say “sometimes you can’t help what happens,” however, I believe you can. If you don’t think so, that says something about how hard you love. If you go into a relationship with that mentality, you’ve already defeated yourself before walking up to her/his door. Of course there are relationships that just don’t work out, but for those I believe that the moment they met was just one where both parties did not fully understand themselves.

Love is not only for lovers, but for family and friends as well. Most importantly, love is for yourself. My generation often associates love with romance and they romanticized those relationships, but in reality love is more than a few kisses, naked bodies, sunset walks, and “our songs”. Love is for your mom on a day when she’s feeling insanely stressed. Love is for your dad when he tells you dad jokes and you walk away smiling. Love is for your brother who you would love to throw off a cliff, but your mom would get mad at you. Love is for your best friend who tells you that you shouldn’t eat 10 pieces of pizza (but you ignore her anyways). Love is all around you, but notice that all of that love did not just come out of nothing. It was made with time, hard work, care, fighting, understanding, crying, disagreements, silence, “I love you”s, and so much more. Love is more than just what you find on-screen with a shirtless Channing Tatum. It’s all around you and now go out on your grand adventure (Winnie the Pooh).


Mr. Croissant (aka Mr. Perfect)

I’ve got a friend and he is literally perfect for me. Well, he’s perfect to me. The only thing is that when I was being born he was old enough to start kissing girls in high school, so do you see my problem here? Well, there isn’t really a problem because that would mean both parties acknowledge there is something going on, but I am the only party who thinks this way so the conversations in my head are quite entertaining. Let’s call him Mr. Croissant because I asked my friend “what do you call a guy who texts you, but then stops. Then texts you like a week later, then stops. Then does it again then stops and you have no idea if he wants to actually talk to you or if he’s just being nice.” Her reply was, “a Croissant because he is flaky as heck.”

I think Mr. Croissant is literally Mr. Perfect and I converse with him every once in a blue moon via text message. Nothing more than a “hello, how’s school going?” Or “hey check this view out (takes a picture from his random hiking trip)!” But it’s quite fun to have a friend(?) who sends you random, cute text messages and somehow he always messages me on the days/weeks I’m having a hard time. I enjoy his company and random messages, but every single time I see his name pop up on my phone my heart skips a beat and I smile like a lunatic. If you ask me how we started this banter, I honestly cannot tell you how but I am glad we did. I can tell you that I asked for his number to talk to him about his profession because I was actually interested in it (and him). He said “sure!” I sent him a very professional text message and he replied with emojis. I usually don’t text him, so I honestly don’t understand what prompts him to text me. I’ll just get these random messages and like “hey buddy! Look at this!,” or “are you back?” His messages never fail to make me smile, but I am confused as heck. What am I supposed to think, but I feel like they don’t mean anything. He is 36, an attorney, half Asian and white, and a bachelor, so I have no chance with him. I keep telling myself that he’s not interested because he is 30+, I am a tiny immature 21 year old who doesn’t hold a flame to him. Plus, I’m pretty sure he’s got something going on with another attorney that I met over the summer (she hated my guts for some reason and I couldn’t figure out why).

A girl can dream, but with each message my hopes go up a little more and more. I hate that he messages me, but I can’t help but look forward to the next time he will. I am too scared to message him because I don’t want his to think I am annoying. Guys, I’m lost and confused.